Sibling

10 family tested and fun ways to help brothers and sisters get along...

Playmates, adversaries, sworn enemies, friends for life. Siblings can be all of these t one another, sometime in the same afternoon. Its a challenge, after all, to share just about everything: toys, chores, a parent's attention. So in the interest of promoting sibling harmony and, yes, even fun, we asked readers to tell us how they encourage their kids to get along. Here, we present their smartest solutions, including techniques that teach sibling appreciation, way to nip squabble in the bud, and a calendar that inspires not-so-random acts of kindness. And although these ideas won't guarantee you perpetual peace and quiet, they will help introduce your kids to some really terrific people: each other!

*simple strategy* sibling SOS
(to help build strong bonds, teach kids to rely on one another)
How do you get children of various ages with different interests to feel connected? When kids need help with something encourage them whenever possible to ask a sibling instead of a parent. The result? Knowing they can count on one another translates into mutual affection.

*argument ender* five good names
(turn the table on name calling with this clever rule)
When you hear your sibling spats degenerate into name calling, step-in and ask them to retract the insult and add five good names in its place. The rule not only defuses arguments, it also helps them look at what they like and admire in each other.

*daily ritual* making nice
(pose this simple dinnertime question to get siblings doing good deeds)
Sometimes promoting brotherly and sisterly love is as easy as making a small change in your routine - add three words to their regular dinnertime question. Instead of, "What did you do today?" ask "What did you do that was nice today?" That little addition has made a big difference in the home of the Mercado family. Cheryl (mother) says, "they go through the day thinking ahead about the nice things they'll do," something that's made her kids more considerate of others people - especially one another.

*simple strategy* the giving calendar
(remind kids to be nice with a few scheduled acts of kindness)
To shift their kids focus from themselves to those around them - including their siblings - the Mattox's, buy calendars every December for their daughters. "When we see the 'me monsters' coming out, we ask the girls to get their calendars. With their parents help the girls brainstorm two weeks worth of kind acts each, which are written in the Monday through Friday squares and duly performed on those days. (the girls are encouraged to be spontaneous on weekends) Over the years, their selfless acts have included giving out hugs, hiding a nice note in a jacket pocket, and weeding a neighbor's garden. And while their beneficiaries have included friends and teachers, more often than not they've looked to each other. They will start to doing nice things for each other even when they're not scheduled.

*fun incentive* bakers' day
(cook up some sibling cooperation in the kitchen)
It was 9-year-old Jamie's love for cooking that inspired her mother to approach sibling bonding. She suggested that Jamie and her brother whip up a sweet treat each Saturday, known in their house as Bakers' Day. They had a deal that if the kids didn't argue while they were cooking, they would get to eat their creation as soon as it was ready. If they failed to cooperate (rare!), the treats are delivered to their grandparents.  The kids would do all the mixing and measuring, then Mom would join them when its time to use the oven. Food has proven to be the glue that's cemented their relationship. As they've learned to work together in the kitchen, that has carried over to the rest of the time they spend together.

*easy reward* the red plate
(make sure good deed don't go unnoticed)
To help create stronger bonds among her kids, Virginia purchased a bright red ceramic dish to add to the family's all-white set. Then she explained that a child who has done something thoughtful for a sibling, such as helping with chores, would get to eat off the special plate that day. What's more, the kids were charged with nominating one another for the honor. Being recognized this way really helps them feel good about themselves and each other.

*simple strategy* the power of the pen
(encourage siblings to see one another's strengths)
Several reader told us they used journal writing to strengthen their kids' relationship. A few nights a week, two sisters end their day by dictating an entry to their mom. There are two ground rules: each girl has to record something good about her day and something she likes about her sister. Mom, Hannah says that besides teaching to see the good in each other, the ritual has given her an interesting new perspective on their relationship. A mom in Texas, uses special notebooks to help her four kids appreciate one another more. Once a month, the family spreads the books on the table and each pens an affectionate message or cartoon in each of the other kids' books. "As we watch the pages fill up and the messages mature, I realize what prized keepsakes these notebooks are going to be."

*fun incentive* weekend camp-in
(offer a special way for siblings to spend time together)
Most weekends in the Pelsos house the kids have a camp-in. On Friday and Saturday nights, the kids' job is to decide where they want to sleep (in a tent in the master bedroom, on the sleeper sofa, or in one another's bunk beds) and what movie they would like to watch. "They love it and it's a fun way to teach them to make decisions together", says mom. And because the camp-in is a privilege based on good behavior, it gives them a big incentive to get along during the week.

*argument ender* don't fight - write!
(have kids write about a disagreement to help them calm down)
When sisters Nevin and Kaylin start to bicker, they're more likely to write it out than fight it out. So mom asks them to get pencil and paper and then write down what happened. "It encourages them to think about what they said and did, and helps them to cool down." Often they exchanges letters that contains mutual apologies and occasionally a heartfelt peace offering. The bonus: they get a chance to practice their writing skills!

*easy reward* the get-along jar
(give your kids a good reason to work together)
Weary of sibling squabbles, Mom Mindy was looking for a positive way to encourage her children to cooperate. She found an empty jar and told them that every time she "caught" them working together or helping the other, she'd put a quarter in the jar. When the jar was full, the children would get to decide how to spend the money - with one important restriction: whatever they chose had to be something they could share or do together. So far, the kids have used their quarters to visit an ice cream shop, the zoo, and the local discovery museum. Mindy say the jar has done more than just reward good behavior, though: "Having a common purpose have taught my kids how to cooperate.

(the article was in FamilyFun magazine and written by Leslie Garisto Pfaff)

a minute of praise...

I once heard Michelle Duggar say that you should praise your children 10 times more than you correct them. She went on to say that you should always praise publicly and punish privately.

When I tell my seven year old how kind he is, I see him react in kindness throughout the rest of the day. When my three year old shares his candy from our Friday after school gas station trip with his brother, I make a big deal about how generous he is. He now shares his candy every time. 

It makes sense. We all respond better to praise over correction. But it is really difficult to put this into practice when dealing day in and day out with your children. There seems to be so many things that need correction. However, I am finding that when I intentionally praise my kids, there are less things that need correction.

Starting tonight, I am adding something to our bed time routine: A minute of praise. Right after we say our prayers, I plan on saying one great thing that each of them did that day. Obviously this won't replace spontaneous praise throughout the day, but it will allow us to thoughtfully affirm each of them in front of the other.

I would love some more ideas about this... how do you praise your children? 

Parenting Community Group heads to the Pumpkin Patch

Parents of kids in cityTOTS:

We started a new series yesterday called Bible Superheroes. It will be five weeks long.

In BIBLE SUPERHEROES, we discover the qualities that Superheroes are made of! Our heroic stories are about Jehoshaphat, as he witnesses GOD'S SUPER POWER, Moses, the great SUPER DOER before Pharaoh, Gideon who was SUPER BRAVE, and Esther the SUPER BOLD Queen. There's even a talking donkey who had SUPER EYES. GOD'S SUPER POWER transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary! No spandex required--it's time to be SUPER!

Week #1: GOD has SUPER POWER : Jehoshaphat asks God for help (2Chronicles 20)

Week #2: Esther is SUPER BOLD : Queen Esther goes before the King and saves her people (Esther 4, 5, and 6)

Week #3: Moses is a SUPER DOER : Moses obeys and goes before Pharaoh (Exodus 4)

Week #4: A Donkey gets SUPER EYES : Balaam's donkey steers him away from trouble (Numbers 22)

Week #5: Gideon is SUPER BRAVE : God goes before Gideon and wins the battle     (Judges 6)

Your child will be bringing home a MAP BOOK each week. This is designed for parent(s) and child involvement and to help review the Bible story.

One of the most important gifts 

you can ever give your child is the 

gift of encouragement.

- From 20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools 

for a Great Family by Dr. Steve Stephens

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, for my children. And myself.

Love waits without complaining.
Love is always kind to others.
Love doesn't want other people's toys or money or clothes.
Love never brags about what it has or what it can do.
Love doesn't think it is better than other people.
Love uses its best manners, always and with everyone. 
Love says 'you first' instead of 'me first.'
Love doesn't throw fits.
Love doesn't tattle, nor does it laugh when others are sad.
Love doesn't think it's fun or funny to break the rules. 
Love never, ever lies.  
Love always hopes in God. Love believes that God is good, no matter what happens.
Love is a true friend, no matter what happens. 
Love lasts forever and ever.

I have been reading this book the past week and wanted to share some quotes from chapter 1 called, "And Then There Were Three". I am sure you have heard some of these quotes before but they are good reminders, especially when it comes to marriage.

*The presence of children distracts them from their original objective - to care for each other. Caring for the children suddenly becomes their highest priority. With less time and engery to care for each other, their love gradually fades, and the once starry-eyed couple forgets why they were ever married.


*Make caring for each other your top priority. The best way to do this is by spending time together - away from your children.


*Children do need very special love and care, and responsible parents must give them the time and attention they need. But children desperately need something else too - parents who love each other.


*If you want to be a good parent, you must care for each other first. Your children's future depends on it.


*How can you stay in love even while raising a busy family? The answer is remarkably simple. In most cases, it doesn't require entirely new skills. All it takes is going back to what created your love in the first place - caring for each other just like you did while dating.


*Unfortunately, most parents don't make time to care for each other. When children arrive, careers and domestic responsibilities shift into high gear. Parents come home from a challenging day at work to find household responsibilities and children who need their attention. By the time they get to bed, they are so tired that they dread the thought of more responsibilities - those of caring for each other.


*When you stop giving each other the care you need, you start losing your love for each other.


*Kids can't set priorities for their parents. And they can't stop their parents from neglecting each other after they're born. So it's up to you to keep your priorities straight.


*It takes time to be in love. Most married couples never realize this crucial fact. They think chemistry will keep them together.


*It does take time and it takes privacy. You can't do it with children running around your feet. You'll need to carve out time from your busy schedule for just the two of you - time for intimate conversations, heartfelt affection, passionate lovemaking, and pure relaxation.


*Your marriage may never be the subject of a big screen movie. But to your children, it's the most important love story they know.


I challenge you to carve out some time for you and your spouse this week...